Alchy the Break Dancing Savior
by Satu-Suzu
Summary: Ed and Al and searching for the one person who can give them a vital hint to creating the Philosopher's Stone.  Of course, she's a complete weirdo.  And probably won't tell them.  Just read.  Now.
1. Chapter 1

Alchy the Break Dancing Savior

**Read every single part of this section, stupid-head.**

Mm'kay, how to start…. First of all, Satu-Suzu is a two-person account, my sister and myself. I'm the Suzu part, and even though it sounds impossible, the wackier one. I help my sister think of ideas for her stories, without even trying. Kinda because she's my sister and I don't wanna help her.

Anyways, this is my first story, personally, and I don't think I'm too awesome yet. But I'll reach destination awesome soon enough, and Alchy and I shall reign.

Alchy is my character. I created her. In a lab. With Mewtwo and his followers. She's the break dancing alchemist, and, apparently the savior, for all of you kiddies who just click on random stories and don't read the names. She'll be helping Ed and Alphonse, and she's a little psycho, so they'll have fun with thaaaat. Oh gawd, I'm ranting. DISCLAIMER TIME!

Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or all the little peoples that it consists of. If I did, then I wouldn't be putting this on Fanfiction and Alchy would be the main character, with all of her awesomeness and all. Yesh.

& & & &

"RRrrgh!!!" Ed yelled, throwing an ancient map onto the sandy ground of the desert. He stared at it for a few moments, then furiously clapped his hands together and dropped them to the ground. A sandy but sturdy-looking box instantly formed around the map. He had just encased the poor, misunderstood map in sand. Ed angrily stared at the box, and then sighed, flopping down on the edge. The box started to crumble a bit, but didn't break.

"Big Brother? Maybe you're overreacting a bit," Al offered, stepping forward, "And you probably shouldn't sit on that. It's going to break…"

"I don't care," Ed mumbled, his chin in his hand, propped up by his elbow on his leg. "And are you inquiring something?" He sounded annoyed. Maybe it was because they were in the middle of a stupid desert. Or maybe it was because her didn't understand the stupid map someone had given him, or that they didn't even know the name of who they were looking for. All he knew was that he'd heard some passerby talking about someone who knew a secret that was vital for the Philosopher's stone. He'd demanded, in a totally and completely nice manner, to tell him everything they knew or something horrible would happen. So now, here he was, sitting on a box of sand as he pouted about not knowing anything.

"N-no!" Al said, alarmed. He shook his arms, trying to dismiss the idea, "O-of course not! It's just- the box c-could crumble or something under the weight!" His eyes were wide, if possible in a metal suit. Yes, he's still stuck in the suit. Why, you may ask? Well, simply because he enjoys being a mark of blood in the back of an undersized suit, of course! And because I think his voice sounds cooler like that, and I am the author of this story!

Ed sighed and hunched his back, making the box come near to collapsing. But he just ignored it.

"I'm sorry Al, I'm just exhausted. And what hope do we have of ever finding this Alchemist anyways? And if we do, I doubt they'll voluntarily give us the key to creating the Philosopher's stone." He hadn't thought them not wanting to give any information would be a problem, since he had ways of convincing them to tell. But he needed the situation to sound bad, and he thought that helped.

Al watched Ed mope and sighed. He really didn't know if they'd be able to find this Alchemist either, but he felt the need to be optimistic during Ed's pessimistic moments.

"Don't worry big brother. We will find that Alchemist. And when we do, they will give us the information we need!" He balled his hand into a fist and pumped it into the air, being all pep talk-y. Ed just stared at him like an idiot and sighed.

"I knew it. We have no chance." He murmured, slumping even more. Again, the box came close to caving in.

They sat in silence for a while, Ed thinking of how they'd die old, pathetic men. Or he would. Al would be a pathetic tin suit. That maybe lives forever. So he'd be left alone while Ed bites the dust.

Al kind of just stared at the sand, trying to think of something motivating to say without showing that he didn't think they'd find this Almighty Alchemist either.

All of a sudden, they heard someone saying "Ep, ep, ep!"

They both looked up, eyes wide. Across from them, they saw a girl, maybe the age of twelve. She was shaking her head. Her hair was a light blonde, maybe white. It was ratty and ran a bit lower than her shoulders. Her eyes stared at them intently, a grayish-green, and a little bit creepy.

The girl's hands were on her hips, which sported foreign-looking, light blue Bermuda-length pants, which looked pretty baggy on her. For a shirt, she wore two. They were layered, the top a brown muscle-shirt and the one underneath a white, long-sleeved shirt. Amazingly, she wasn't wearing any shoes. Only tape protected her feet from the hot desert ground. No one could have possibly been able to wear any outfit like that in the desert. But there she was.

Ed and Al stared at the freak of a human in front of them, who looked back. Al looked at Ed, who shrugged back. Then he turned back to the girl and looked like he was about to say something, but she cut him off.

"Now what kind of optimism is that?" The girl asked, shaking her head again, " You haft act convincing. I'm sorry, but you have no hope in acting. You're not pure genius like I, the all-great Achy, am. Now that's outta the way, are you alien peeps? 'Cause that would just be really cool. Can you do the finger thingy? Sometimes I can, but my hand cramps, and I hafta soak it underwater for almost half an hour, and then it's all pruny, and-"

Ed and Al continued staring at her until something in Ed's mind clicked. Instantly, his jaw dropped.

"Y-you're Alchy?" He choked out, making the girl look surprised.

"Well… Yeah," Alchy nodded, looking proud, "I'm Alchy. You're short. He's tall. The sky is blue. Birds chirp. Cats meow. A female dog is called a bi-"

"That's the girl!!!" Ed yelled, cutting her off, ignoring the short part. He turned to Al and took a deep breath, his eyes even wider than before, " That is the girl we're looking for!!!"


	2. Chapter 2

Alchy the Break Dancing Savior

**Tra La Laaa, thank the Lord for Ooooopenersss!**

**  
**Okie-dokie, more of the Almighty Alchy! Her story continues, she bothers Le Elrics, death draws closer and closer for her, the usual.  
SoOoOo, I'm just here to introduce the star of the show and hope that more people will soon understand her true prowess. And the story continues.

**Disclaimer: I own everything in Le World. Except for Fullmetal Alchemist. That, I missed. Ah Welllllll.**

****

Ed flopped down on the box o' sand, which finally collapsed from all of his flopping and plopping. He mumbled angrily as he got up and dusted his pants off, then bent over to find his map under all the sand. After much grumbling, weird looks from Alchy, and Al trying to introduce them but Alchy claiming she already knew, Ed and Al stood across from Alchy, who stood with her hands on her hips.  
"So," She said bluntly, staring at Ed and Al with wide eyes, "Why are you two looking for me?"  
Ed and Al glanced at each other, and Al spoke up.  
"Well, we're looking for this certain stone and we heard that you know something about it, and we were just wondering if you would be able to tell us-" Al started, but he was quickly cut off.  
"Okay, look," Ed said, "We need the Philosopher's Stone. You know something about it that we might need. You're going to tell us." But Alchy didn't seem to be listening.  
Her eyes widened at 'Philosopher's Stone', and her face looked positively giddy.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the Phi-lawz-o-pher's Stooooooooone!" She sung, clasping her hands behind her back and swaying back and forth, "Yesh, yesh, I know somethin' that you probably don't, but I shouldn't tellll…"  
Ed's eyes widened, and he looked ready to strangle her. Probably was going to. But his face changed, like he was remembering that she knew something they needed to know, so he took a deep breath and clenched his fists.  
"Yeah," Ed said, looking strained, "And you're going to tell us. Riiight?" He tried to look pleasant, but ended up looking like someone who had just run away from jail and was trying to find a victim.  
But Alchy just ignored him, probably not even noticing, and smiled smugly.  
"Eh, I'd rather not," She shrugged it off, "Sounds like work. And I'd rather not work. You know, I actually came her because I didn't want to work. You know, running around town, people ask you favors, you say no, next morning you wake up and they're standing over your bed with a knife in their hands. That kinda stuff." She nodded as if this was total logic.  
Okay, now Ed looked like he escaped from jail, was running from the cops, and was trying to find the person who had sold them to the cops. And they had a concealed weapon. A huge one. So it's probably not too concealed.  
"Okay then," He seethed, anger playing across his face, "What if we forced you!" He growled, bunching his sleeves up and about to lunge at Alchy. Fortunately, Al grabbed Ed's arms and restrained him from tearing out all of 'Alchy's' annoyingly white hair.  
Alchy seemed unfazed, even happy, and started digging through a barely recognizable tan messenger's bag. It was so dirty it could have been mistaken for some kind of half-dead animal, hanging on the side of a young girl's shoulder.  
"You know, I have this really great book. I think it'd be PEHR-FECTY for you, young Ed," Alchy offered, pulling out a small, tattered book that read _Anger Management for Those Beyond Help, _"It really helped me when I took my anger out on harmless things. You should try. Looks like you've needed something like this for AGES!" She grinned happily, positively satisfied with herself.  
Al looked at Ed warily, who had resorted to sending glares over at Alchy, which she was more than happy to ignore. Or probably not even notice in the first place.  
A short length of silence fell over the three. Alchy stood, hands on her hips, probably complimenting herself for being the first to bring the though of anger management into a poor, helpless midget's life. Al held Ed's arms loosely, wondering if this Alchy girl was worth the trouble of pursuing and if Ed would take anger management into consideration and simplify his own life by tons. And Ed stood across from Alchy, his arms pinned to his back and glaring, wondering if anyone would notice if he killed the annoying kid.  
"Wheeeeellp," Alchy said, clasping her arms behind her back and beginning to stroll away, "It's been fun kids, but important peeps such as myself have importanty, peepy, matters to tend to. Ciao fer now!"  
But Ed broke out of Al's grasp and hurried after the girl, standing in front of her and blocking her path.  
"Not so fast, 'kid'," Ed sneered, enjoying the ability to call someone else kid. He attempted to tower over her, which didn't work too well, as he was just a couple inches taller than her, but the effect seemed to work. Or not. She stared at him blankly. Ed continued, "We're following you until you tell us what we need to know!"  
The effect didn't seem to work this time either, seeing as how she was completely delighted.  
"Oh, this is so AWESOME!" Alchy yelled, pumping her fist into the air, "It's like a road trip, except we're not really on a road and don't have a car!" She skipped ahead, leaving Ed and Al behind for a minute.  
"Big brother…" Al moaned, slowly moving forward, "What did you get us into this time…"  
But Ed ignored him. He was to busy looking crestfallen, dragging his feet forward.  
"Did you see that?" He asked, sounding thoroughly disappointed, "She didn't look intimidated. Not once!"  
"Hurry up, stupid-heads!" Alchy called from ahead, waving her arms. She had been able to get pretty far, considering the time that they were ignoring her.  
Ed and Al didn't rush to get to Alchy, but when they were right behind her, the trio moved forward. Three silhouettes stomped forward: One of them bouncing with every step, and the other two slumping, dragging their feet.  
After a somewhat long amount of precious silence, seeing as how Alchy couldn't seem to get by two minutes without bursting, Al cleared his throat.  
"So," He said, looking a bit strained to form a conversation if they were supposed to be traveling with this girl, "Anger Management. Are you… passed that?"  
"Ooooh, waaaaaay passed that!" Alchy assured him, flopping her hand around as if that helped.  
"Oh, that's good," Al said slowly, relaxing just a tad, "What kind of harmless things did you… harm?"  
Alchy grinned, a joking grin displayed on her face.  
"Oh, you know, the usual. Animals, inanimate object…" She chuckled a bit, her gaze still on the land before her.  
"Heh, heh…" Al chuckled awkwardly. He found that Ed had pitched in, and they laughed together uncomfortably.  
"How do you think I got this baby?" Alchy asked, sounding extremely serious, and patting the messenger's bag that had only resembled a dead animal earlier.  
Ed and Al's heads turned to each other slowly their faces dim with disgust. And probably a bit of fear.  
Silence fell over the three once more for just a few more moments until a yell could be heard, even from throughout the whole desert.   
"YOU MEAN THAT 'THING' IS REAL?!"

- - -

Mmmm'kay, reviewwwww!!! I need reviews to live, good or bad, so if it's possible… TAKE A DANG MOMENT OUT OF YOUR LIFE TO REVIEW MY STORY AND TELL ME IF I'M HORRIBLE OR NOT!!!  
-bows-   
Gra-ci-aaah!


End file.
